Nov.19 '04

Winter comes,
that season of death.

Winter comes,
rolling fast across the hills.

Winter comes again.

Again,
I am trapped.

I started this blog six months ago. At that moment in time, I was in a place of chaos, lost. Old emotions were resurfacing, and I couldn't block them out. They were consuming me. Within two weeks, I had deleted my whole blog, except for my first entry, and my poetry, and went back on lexapro. This blog has helped to find things inside of myself I have forgotten were there. It has made me want to write again, and share that with people who would be interested in my thoughts. I have forgotten about it at times, I try to remember. Yet, time escapes me.

Now my cycle has come to that 6 months spot again. Again, I am confused, again it consumes me. This time it is different though. I am still on lexapro, it isn't old feeling that have risen from the abyss. Its being poor, and young, and not feeling like I am ready for life most of the time. On top of it all, usually Jake is the stable one. Now it is my turn, I am not very good at it. He is struggling. Feeling as though he can not provide for us, wants to turn tail and run. Now I am all for running, abandoning everything in my wake. Now we have Alexa, and this is the huge difference in our life. Things are more complicated, there are more things to move, more details to take care of. We can not just be dumb and in our twenties. WE have to be parents in our twenties. And this makes life so very complicated. This beautiful little girl, that we created, depends on us for everything. Sometimes the pressure is to great. How can I live this life for me anymore. How can I make a decision for her, that I know is best for us. But would really put us in the poor house. I feel as though I might crack. Yet I have to be the strong one now, Jake needs that from me. I need to hold my ground, and sacrifice all I can for them. I do that willingly. I would sacrifice my life for them, if it would help them both have a better life. But that is not what needs to be done, and this is were my confusion comes in. I have no idea what needs to be done. I have no one who can tell me what needs to be done. I am an adult, holy crap. I am an adult!!

Dec. 16 '04

I miss you

I miss you with every waking breath.

I miss you with every dream.

I miss you.

Drug induced,

loss,

I miss you.

companionship

I miss.

Are you lost?

will I find you?

I miss you.

I need you.

This life is to hard,

with out you.

I miss you,

my breathing is labored!

I miss you.


to kirstin, who was my best friend, and now is heroine's, are you sober? will you come back to me

This life sucks

So I have come to the conclusion that this life is to difficult. Jakes check was only 290 bucks. That is for the whole two weeks of work. How are we supposed to live on that. We leave in a week, and have absolutely no cash for our trip. It is to late to cancel now. I don't know what to do.

We live a good life, we have good morals, and try to stay happy. How are we to do that?? I wish at moments at least, that if we lived somewhere were we had a lot of friends, and were surrounded by like minded people it would be easier. Then I think that I really like this house, and I don't want to leave it. I feel lost, as always, and have no one to talk to about it. So we will trudge on in this existence, and hope that karma will come out way, and things will get easier.

On a lighter note, I am so excited for our trip, I can't wait to go. AZ is going to be a blast, all of our old friends are there, and it is going to be so great to see them all. I can't wait to show of Alexa, and just hang out, and socialize. ahhhh, it is going to be so much fun.

And this is being written really early in the morning, so sorry for the bad writing.
I am sure I will delete this at a later date just for that fact.

correction

Ok, the stuff on the ground is snow but the stuff on the bushes and trees is FROST!!! YUCK!!!!

And more crystal yuckies. Can you believe this is how cold it is at 10 am? 

this is not new snow, it is FROST!!! 

August 5 '04

This life is like a cancer.
It eats at you.
It grows and grows,
until,
your body fails.

This life is like a cancer.
Uncontrolled,
waiting to spread.
It takes over,
until,
all that is left,
are lifeless eyes.

THIS LIFE IS LIKE A CANCER.

ahhh let freedom reign

So this silly cunt tried to cut me down. In doing so, has liberated me. I feel as though this huge wait has been lifted from my person. Strange, how someone you thought was such a great friend, in the end turned out to be weighing me down so much. I have now realized with lots of introspection, that she has got to be one the most negative people I have ever met. That her energy, although seemed to be this light and airy happy individual was really, a black sucking hole of pussing scum. Anyway, I am free of her now, and I have not felt like this since before we started to hang out in July.

So in other news, which is much more pleasant, We are taking a 19 day holiday starting the 23 of Dec. The first leg of our trip is going to LA, fo the week of Christmas. Then we head to Arizona for my friends wedding, we will spend a week in Phoenix. And then we should arrive back home aprox. The 11 of Jan. So two and a half weeks in the sun should do us all wonders. 2 weeks of no jackets, or hats or gloves, or numb hands and feet, or the drying out of our bodies from the heat running 24/7. I am so excited I could burst. I will write more on this subject as I know more, Happy Hanukkah (which is the closest holiday anyone will celebrate).

Hey look poetry

5-8-'04

The inner soul screams out.

it is trapped from within.

The facade is calm.

The eyes hold everything back.

The heart is in turmoil.

The mouth speaks pleasantry's.

The scream from within grows louder.

Hell on earth

So it is bloody cold here, I can't stand it. My nostrils keep freezing when I go outside. I am living these days for when we go to Arizona, how pathetic is that. I can't wait to be able to wear tanktops again, without a jacket.

Jakes new job is killing me. At least he only works three days this week (because of thanksgiving). That should make life a wee bit better.

I was sick all last week. I couldn't sit at the computer for more than fifteen minutes without getting tired. I still have a little bit of the funk, but I almost feel normal. Keep for getting to take my happy pills though.

I have changed my mind once again on what I want to do career wise. I think I am going to try for a message therapy gig. Well see, the nearest school is an hour and a half away, not sure how I will swing that one. But it is only about a year of schooling that sounds more my style than going to school for four years, I would be thirty by the time I am done with that one. And plus massage I can do any where. And I could live someplace tropical and survive. We'll see. I am sure I will change my mind again. I am quite wishy washy that way.

Went to see Bridget Jones the edge of reason this weekend, it was funny, and very much a chick flick. Not the best movie ever made though. If you look at it from an intellectual point of view, but it was funny, and entertaining.

so I am gonna go make to my hum drum life now, ciao

Land of the Brave

The Ground is covered in snow this morning. The American people are stupid!

There has been no official call yet this morning. But it looks as though our great Monkey has won again. How could this happen. How could a country that is supposed to be full of bright, intelligent people really think that this imbecile is right for the job. AGAIN!!! I don't see how. We are supposed to be this great country. Yet everything That is supposed to be great about us, is what keeps failing me. Four more years of bush, we will be trillions more in debt, and I fear living in an Orwellian world. What should I do now? Should I leave. Should I pack up my daughter and seek refuge, asylum in another country. How would we make our way. How would we survive. I don't know how to move to another country, But that is my greatest wish. I can't look at these stupid Americans. I can't walk around and wonder who ruined my daughters life. The only good thing about bush. He sure pisses off those punks, And they make great music for it. Ah well, I will go and do some research now, I think my choices are Scotland, Australia, Canada, in that order. Wish me luck

Crud, and all other crap that fits in the category!

SO I think that our Indian summer has left. It is cold and blowee and just generally disgusting. Alexa is going threw something, I wish I knew what, but she has really been on my nerves lately. What a horrible thing to say huh. Well, its true. She is just being a difficult Two year old I guess. Jake is pretty soon to be out of work. His father did not horde money away like he normally does to get him threw the winter. So we are pretty close to out of cash. I hope that doesn't conflict with our Trip to AZ this winter. That would really blow. I already have a dress for Lisanne's wedding and everything. Well, I will keep you informed, like you care. But I will anyway.

Aug. 5. 2004

This tightness,
of chest,
is an affliction,
I can not cure.

This boredom,
is a disease,
it follows me,
everywhere.

This need to roam,
is a sickness,
I need,
to keep me sane.

Depression

So it has been almost a month since my last posting. I have been pretty busy, and if not busy, in no mood at all to sit at the computer and write non-sense. But here I am. Just for you.

I have been incredibly depressed lately. I miss my dog terribly, the house is so empty without her. Today we are getting a new dog from our local shelter. She is going to be a very good dog, I can tell. She is two years old, and cute as cute can be. I have to wait for the kid to get up from her nap so We can go pick the new doggie up.

back to the issue of my great depression. It getting cold here. This is never a good time of year for me, I wish I could hibernate, and re-emerge in the spring like a bear does, all sleepy and hungry. But soon we will have snow, and my life will continue, with all of its mundaneness. I feel like sometimes I fall threw the cracks here. That nobody notices how much I need attention. I have been feeling very self-centered lately. But who doesn't some times right???? Anyway, as the winter progresses, I will get more depressed. My daughter will continually try and pull me off the couch like she has been for the last two days, while I pull back and say " no baby, mama doesn't want to play in your room, she's watching CSI:" Well I have new poetry to post. But not right now, I am going to go read my thoroughly depressing book the cranberry queen so Adios

Dog Days of Summer

My Dog got hit by a car this afternoon. what a total bummer. I can't believe it, I miss her so much already. I have spent most of my afternnon and early eveny blubbering. I know she is just a dog. But so far she has been the best dog to ever have lived on this planet. I love her so much. I am so glad she didn't suffer at all. She died instantly, at least there's that, right? I was trying to find a photo to post. But all of my really good pics are the old fashioned kind, the small shinning rectangle type, so I will have to figure out a way to get one of those, on my computer. Anyway, that is all I have the energy for tonight, so Ciao!

Better, better, and more better!!

So the weather has cleared up, thank god. Looks like it will be back to the 80's next week, so the weather man is claiming. We'll have to see about that one. It is still pretty cool out, I think the high today was 68f.

There was a benefit for the local skate park today. WE have been really involved with that, in two weeks it will conclude here at the drive in with Dog town and the Z boys so that should be good. All proceeds from the gate go to the skate park, at 5 dollars a head that should work well for the skate park benefactors.

Lets see, what else is new......Oh, I started studying to take my GED. I have also been looking at schools that offer online courses. I think I have decided I would like to be a social worker. It seems like it would be the best thing for me. It also fits with in my moral guidelines for career ethics and all that crap. Sometimes living the punk rock lifestyle makes life choices difficult. You have to constantly think about how other people in the movement would feel about what you do, and blah, blah blah. Hopefully I can get it together to do it. Then I think I would actually be a grown up, hahaha. That is all for now. Ciao

Crap-tacular

So The last two days have been feeling a little to much like fall for me. It is only august and I had to put a sweater on the baby yesterday, and the day before she wore a hat. This is bad news for the winter to come. I fear it is going to be long and hard.

It has been a long time since my last post. Sorry, I have been away, and well,....Lazy. Nothing really new here. Just boring life on the farm (that is what I like to call the drive in for some reason). The men have been cleaning up the junk yard, I need to take a picture of that before it disappears. What a junk show it is out here.

well that is all for me, I will post more poetry soon.

P.S Sav, that is a definite yes to the coral from Bali, and maybe some sea shells too. TY

Old friends, or foes?

So last night, and old friend of ours dropped by. He really is my husbands oldest friend, and has become mine. He has been very distant, and sort of like, he has no time for us lately. So when he stopped by last night, we thought he would stay awhile. He was planning to watch a movie with us. But was tired, because he had been climbing all day. And I am sure was very drunk the night before. He is always like that, or doing blow, or something. His mom had given him some stuff to give to me. So I can do a mosaic. And when he was getting that stuff out of his truck, I asked him if he had seen my new tattoo. He looked at it, and busted up laughing. Now I think that is pretty crappy of him. He really has made me mad. That is why I am writing about it now. Because I have to vent. And there isn't anyone for me to do that too. He has a lot of behavior I don't approve of, and I also don't say anything to him. He would get so mad, so what's the point right? So, what makes him think that my feelings aren't sensitive. I told him he was an asshole, and he said a lot of people have been saying that to him lately. Now don't you think that should scream something to him. That he can't walk around and be a selfish bastard all the time. That other people have feelings also, and it isn't always what he thinks or wants. He actually said to me "What, you gonna buy a wagon, and travel around with all the other freaks?" What the fuck is that. The Gypsy to me is more of a state of mind, not actually joining a band of gypsy's and traveling around. Although, if I had the opportunity, I am not sure I wouldn't take it. Anyway, that's all.

5-8-03

My breath,
is the only breath.
The sound of nature,
is the only sound.

oct. 21 2001

Troubled mind,
lost friendships,
insecurity,
following a paths,
that doesn't belong,
to me.
Can't seem to find the way.

Hardships of life,
swim around me,
can't seem to find the way.

Follow a path,
find a path,
following a path,
that doesn't belong to me.
lonely,
lovely,
open heart,
can't seem to find the way.

Lost,
confused,
hardships of life,
won't disappear,
can't seem to find the way.

Insecure,
future is lost,
friends are lost,
can't seem to find the way.

think I was depressed or what??

July 30 2001

I miss the green,
the summer warmed ponds,
the youthful nature,
the season brings.
The peace that settles,
I so have longed.

my newest tatoo, and it is very hard to take ones picture without help. 

Two tone

I finished my book this morning the virgin blue I think it was very good, it was a great, Sad story from the women's perspective. It definitely made me want to cry in some parts of it. Tracy Chavlier has a great poetic voice, so that even with out lots of descriptions you can feel the pain of these two women. The main character, I got her. She is so like me in so many ways. That it is so easy to believe that most women feel like that. That their husbands don't always see them. And the fact that she doesn't feel like she fits inside her life, I completely understand, that is me. In everything I have ever written, poetry short stories, or the start of books, the main character is a female who is a trying to find the right path in life. Trying to find home, even if they have lived in the same place their whole entire lives. I feel like that, constantly, trying to find home. There are so many places I haven't been yet. How do I know where home could be, if I haven't set foot on that soil that just screams my name. "Anna, THIS IS IT, YOU FOUND ME, STAY HERE, I WILL KEEP YOU SAFE!" I have always thought that would be Ireland. My ancestors are all buried there, how can that not be home. That is my call to that land of green. I have always thought that is way I can tolerate rain, and cooler tempratures better than most people. Yet I have never been there. Strange that some place can pull you so much, and you have never been there. This place I live now, it is not home it is just where I am. Jake knows that, I think he feels like it is home for him. For now at least. I have never felt comfortable out here. I need to search, I need to wonder. Or I will miss my home.

I often feel homesick, when I am sitting in my living room. How strange. I am at home, my house is comfortable. Yet there are moments when I feel like crying. I long for home so much.

My book (the one I just read, not the one that is now lying dormant on my computer)has influenced my dreams, I had a strange sort of scary dream about my husbands granny, and one, of my ex-boyfriend last night. Strange that reading something can effect your psyche so much. I am so sick of my strange dreams, how a wake feeling tired. How I can't fall asleep the next night because I have been laying awake thinking of my dreams from the night before. Virgin blue, her dreams of her ancestor was always after sex. I know her feeling, when you lie with your man, and then these thoughts pop into your head when all you should be thinking of is him, lying next you, content. Both the women in the book kept small secrets from their husbands. I think we all do that. We shelter them from our thoughts, and think that is better for them. All it really does is push ourselves away from them. I think that is why there are so many divorces today. All these women holding private thoughts inside their heads, for who knows what reasons. Driving ourselves away from our husbands. Most the time they are so unaware of our inner turmoil. They just go about their business, until one day they come in, while you are putting the baby down for a nap. Just crying over your child's head, uncontrollably, yet quiet at the same time. Then they know, and every thing changes. The next day, life is normal. And you feel better. I just think it is strange how certain things can effect us so much, deep down. How a fictional story can hit you in places that real life can't. I guess it is because we live real life, and fiction, helps us remember events in our real lives, that our so like the story, it hurts.

july 29 2001

Troubled mind,
is hard to rest.
------------------

Hopeless,
tormented,
alone,
friendless.
Years I have tried,
to cure a need,
that stems from the soul.
Companionship,
friendship,
one to share one's sorrows,
joys.
endless emotions,
poke their head,
as memories flood in,
of long since thoughts,
of years of torment,
by wenches long since sought,
for friendship,
and condolences,
that turn one sided.
As life weaves,
its unyielding path
for me.

oct. 19 2000

The sky turns grey.
The rain may come,
life will stop,
one day.
Will the sun shine again?
Slow,
Poor,
Hungry,
if only there was away,
to find my way.

May 2000

Melancholy engulfs,
a storm blows,
strong and silent from within.

Fire consumes,
an unknowing desire.
The river flows wild,
with winters seed feeding it life.

Spring is rampant,
life is all around,
yet melancholy,
holds its bonds
tightly around wrist and ankle.

will the fire burn,
so I can read its thoughts.
Or will it smolder,
so the desire dies as,
the light goes out.

look at my giant foot! 

My girl on her birthday 

May 12 1999

A smile that brightens a day.

A word that helps you threw the night.

you give that to me.

you help me threw my life.


dedicated to my husband, whom without, life would be such a drag.

May 4 1999

I can't even look,
My minds a blur,
My heads a mess.
My legs won't work,
My feet are stuck.
Stuck in this spot,
of never quite controlling,
what the day shall bring,
tomorrow?
Or maybe even what,
Yestermorn,
has brought threw breaking day.
if only there was someway,
to see the coming dawn,
Maybe my feet shall move,
my legs might work yet.
the spot shall move,
the one my feet are stuck in.
The glass will soon be clear.
Control,
comes calling!

may 19 1999

Wild dreams,
cascading colors.
All around me,
Like a trip,
I can't come back from.

Dreams take over my life,
confuse my being,
lost in a world of weirdness.
The weirdness of dreams,
the vivid feel of them.
Night,
after night.
How strange,
I don't know what they mean!

March 25 1999

I feel like this hole,
bottomless,
torchered.
Full of pain,
Screaming from within.
loneliness consumes my being.
Confused,
hammered to the ground.
Like a tree,
that has fallen in the woods,
alone,
silently.
Alone in this place,
where fear is normal.
Conflicted with emotions,
where nothing comes easy.
this hole,
that I can't crawl out of,
without a leg up,
I am stuck,
with confusion.
Stuck,
in this black,
bottomless pit.


help me I'm falling

To Write, or not to write

So how is anybody supposed to write a book when they have a kid. I have about an hour to myself while she is napping. I have been trying to get stuff done then. Then after she goes to bed I have about an hour and a half to write or do whatever, Before I have to go to bed myself. So, In three days I have written 3 1/2 pages. The problem is by the time I put her to sleep I am so tired I can barely focus on the computer. My eyes get droopy and my hands get tired  so fast. At this rate it is going to take me thirty years to right my book.

But as of the 3 1/2 pages, I think it is coming along well for the draft of the first real book I have ever attempted. So I guess I will just have to be patient and see how it goes. If I can't do it (that is totally the wrong attitude huh?), At least I have my poetry to fall back on in moments of complete dread and panic!

March 25 1999

Trapped inside

Trapped,
like a bird,
in a cage.

Trapped,
like a prisoner,
with no windows.

trapped,
if only,
I could find an escape.

March 24 1999

I feel lost,
in this place,
where my feet don't touch the ground.

Like a flower,
floating in water,
trying to find ground.

Ground,
that is warm,
and loving.
To fill me with nourishment,
and to feed me hope.

I feel lost,
in this place,
where my head is clouded in darkness.

Feb. 16 1999

The moon,
it doesn't follow.
Stationary,
as I move.
The moon,
I think,
she's laughing at me,
she's beautiful,
but,
full of spite,
that moon.

Feb. 14 1999

This boy,
I know,
he seems,
to me,
to be free.
His heart,
is pure,
this boy I know,
from pain.
I think,
he's free.
In that,
freedom,
this boy,
I know,
he's young.

Feb. 2 1999

I think,
that I,
have committed sin!

unpure love affair,
no meaning,
no feeling,
sin.

if only you knew,
what it really meant.
I think you would find,
Nothing!

Feb. 9 1999

Anger,
Rolls through my soul.
Hatred,
raps around my mind.

Abandoned from love,
has,
made me,
hate.

Feb. 9 1999

LOST

My mind,
seems hollow.
My eyes,
don't see.
My ears,
they hear.
DISGUST,
HATRED,
VIOLENCE.
Lost is my heart.

Feb. 8 1999

Flight

Passion,
is gone,
love,
is gone,
my mind,
is gone.

Love,
well,
it ran,
like a man,
running for a bus.

My mind,
maybe,
it followed,
the man.

Feb. 8 1999

Thoughts are scrambled

thought,
well,
thoughts are scrambled.
Lost in the dark,
well,
lost in my mind.
Light,
well,
maybe,
there is light ahead,
FUCK,
I hope so.
For now,
I think,
well,
I think I am lost.

HOME

I have been at my mamma's house since Monday.  I am SOOOOOOOO Glad I am going home tomorrow.  A person can only take so much of famillia, right? If it was just my mom, well I think I could stay longer, but My Step-Father.  He has got to be the moodiest person I have ever met. And at moments I feel like I am so under-foot with him, That I feel like screaming, "I am going home tomorrow, So get over it."  Well Anyways, I will post more poetry when I get home, Thank god I am going home, Thank god I am going home, LOL.

Tomorrow

So tomorrow is my Girls Birthday party, So much to do. And the Daddy took there car. how Can I make a cake without butter? Guess it will have to wait.

other than that no real news. Going home with my Mom on monday. that will be fun, if she doesn't drive me Crazy. So I will right more soon. thats it for today, Cheers

feb 2 1999

I sit alone,
with complete,
Apathy,
the phone,
is,
silent.

2/2/99

This pain consumes,
my soul.
But alone,
there is nowhere,
to run.
-------------

If you truly understood,
that alone,
is nowhere to be.
Maybe you could think,
love is like a rose,
it grows to beauty,
than,
fades to ugly.

Jan 27 1999

My heart,
It flew away.
How strange,
to see you,
And be free.

1/28/99

My blood,
runs like fire,
as boredom,
eats me alive.

Yahoo!!

Well, it has been a few days, sorry about that.

This weekend was so fantastic. WE (My man and I) went to Boise, it is about a five hour drive, to go see the warped tour. Man I love that, an all day affair with tons of great bands, and then some really bad ones, (we didn't listen to that). WE got to Meet three of the casualties, they are cool guys, Jorge is SO NICE, and Rick is ultra good looking. They look so cool with their spiky hair, a rainbow of colors. WE chatted with Pat Thetic of Anti-flag, he was cool, We told him what a good thing they do for our seen. They are so political, and spread that word to all of those youngsters who don't think about that crap. I think I am going to write them a huge long letter about how much I appreciate them for that.

My Girl spent the weekend with her Auntie, They had a blast, they camped at the dirt bike races Friday night. I bet my Girl just loved that. She seemed a bit tired, but well enough rested.

Sunday we went to a party for a friends of our mom who is moving. I will miss her. She had this garage sell tent, but really it was giveaways. I took so much stuff that all our friends who were there kept calling me a klepto. Oh well. I got three Orchids, and a really cool Jade plant, Two pictures, which I hung in the bed room, and some stuff for my girl, Daddy also got some stuff. So we made out alright. I love free shit. I get to go back in the morning for some more free stuff, YAY.

Well I guess that is it. My computer has been on the Fritz. That totally blows, But hopefully tomorrow or the next day I can get some poetry up, Ciao for now.

Old Friend

Old friend,
I fell your stare,
but insecure,
is it full of contempt?

You look at me differently,
years and years,
have past.
Yet
your words,
are like music to me still,
Darlin'.

I think,
there is nothing more,
Satisfactory,
than old friends,
as lovers.

In Confusion

In confusion,
I sit,
to ponder.
If only there was hope,
for you,
and I.
can you feel
my body,
together with yours?
together we could fly.
I think,
Together,
we could sing!
What a song it would be,
you and I,
together,
again.

Glass

I have seen the world,
with eyes the color of glass.
but the things I have seen,
I care,
not for.
Ugly hate,
Dirty sky,
and each love,
less pure,
than the last.

4th of July

So this weekend went ok, the Car show was not as huge a hit as we hoped for. But maybe next year.

Sunday night our house got hit by lighting. Our phone was out until this afternoon. That totally sucked. Good thing there was an extra cell phone we could use (man I hate those things) other than that our fireworks were cool, shot them of the top of the screen, made people happy.

that's it. Very boring today.

Jibber Jabber

So this week is going to be crazy. Its all crazy around the drive in. July fourth, the third really, is my step-mother in-laws family reunion. There are supposed to about 60 peeps here. And also on sat we have the First Annual spud drive-in car show. That should be cool. But there is still the giant junk yard in the back here, surrounding our houses. Will that ever be cleaned up? My father in-law has all these projects he hopes to do "one day". Yeah right! Who knows how long all that crap has been sitting back here. We have been here a year now. And my man has talked him into hauling so much of it off already. But you would never even know it if you looked. When friends stop by and I tell them that, they laugh at me. Like I am telling a joke. But really its true.

My girls birthday is in two weeks. She will be two. And here I sit today trying to make invites, so she can actually have a party. I hope I can get them done. I guess we'll see. Sometimes I just don't feel like doing all of it. My ,man, he's a good pop. He just doesn't hang out all that much. Sometimes I feel like a single parent. How bad is that. Oh well right?

I was talking with one of my girl friends yesterday. She was telling me she is thinking about splitting on her man. Just packing all her crap, and leaving. Man I could never do that, I really do love my husband. But I guess like everyone, I feel like I am alone sometimes, just sweatin' life out, without help. Her reasoning for it is tho, she has two kids (not his) and he drinks a lot. He is like thirteen years older than here. And is always drunk. I think then I would leave for sure. Life throws you hard shit to deal with.

I think I would rather Talk my man into splitting with me, and going anywhere but here. We used to be like that. Until we had our girl. Just throw all of our shit in the back of the car (it all used to fit there). We could never do that know. Our girl has so much crap. But split without telling him, leaving him with all the bills and crap like that. Wow, conscious people.

HA, Life!!!

So I think life is strange. It takes you on these weird rides, and then dumps you off. In a place where you can't even begin to find your way.

Like, for instance, why at some moments, everything is hunky-dorry. And the next I can't even start to unscramble my brain, to think rationally. At moments I wish we came with a manual. Then you could just flip threw it and solve everything, right?

Well maybe not. But I guess time will tell, on everything.

Vermillion

Vermillion,
bleeds into my soul,
like a strange,
uphoric dream.
Heat pulses up through my feet.
And at last,
I know i'm free.

ten years gone

Lost Tears

Torn in two,
My heart is breaking,
tears are flowing,
my mind is aching.

Falling into the mists,
drifting in the forest,
without a path,
without direction.

In sorrow,
my soul wallows,
without felling,
with numbness.

There is no love,
but only pain.
For you, I miss,
for you, I cry.

For me,
I hide,
without a thought,
I’m lost


Gypsy soul

In a world of grace and beauty,
We drift into the night.

Our sole as gypsies be,
for we drift endlessly.

I seem to be that soul,
the nomad.

As travelers go.
We seem to be ancient.
On an endless path,

with Irish eyes we see,
that’s Gypsy are the key.

The start

So I once lived this crazy life, and then, I had a baby. And now I live this existence I never thought I would. All domestic, and natural. But at 16, I lived on the streets, and by 17 was heavily hooked on meth amphetamine. So who would of thought that at 25 I would be a wife and a mother. Not I. But life changes in funny ways. And now I live, in a rural setting. In the middle of nowhere Idaho. Strange. I always thought I would end up following rock bands.